Kimono
by Pardon the Insanity
Summary: Lord Sesshoumaru's gifts always meant the world to Rin. But as she got older, they started to hold a different significance... oneshot


So, I will admit that I was a bit depressed by the ending of Inuyasha. Of course, it definitely could have been worse -- a lot was still left fairly open -- but at the same time... Rin was left with Kaede? Seriously? Anywho, once I got over the wtf, I decided that it was necessary to make a fic to show that Sesshoumaru and Rin could still get together. And thus this little oneshot was born. I hope you enjoy it!

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He brought her first kimono – pink and white – the autumn after she had been left with Kaede.

It was not the first time Rin had seen him since Naraku's defeat; Lord Sesshoumaru had come to visit her on two other occasions that summer. On those visits, however, he had brought her small things – a vase for her flowers, a ribbon for her hair. She had not expected something so valuable. True, he had bought her new clothes when she had first begun to follow him, but that had been a simple yukata. It was nothing like the painted silk in the box before her.

She did not know how to accept such a gift. She did not know if she even could.

"You will need new clothes," Lord Sesshoumaru had said, as though aware of the reason for her hesitation. "I will not have you wear the rags the villagers are content with."

And so she had smiled and thanked him, and wore that kimono with more care than she had believed herself capable. There had only been a few small stains – her early lessons in how to make remedies had been difficult – when he had brought her another two years later.

Rin, having begun learning some of those manners that had not been required of her as a child, had been able to keep herself from opening this gift until after he had left. While this time she had suspected what the gift probably was, she had not been able to understand why Lord Sesshoumaru had given it to her when her present one was still in such good condition.

"Because you are too tall for the other one now," Kaede had replied when asked, and Rin suddenly realized that it had become more and more difficult to make the kimono fall to the proper length.

So the kimono with the butterflies had been carefully folded and stored in the box of the leaf green kimono. This one was significantly longer, and in the following months Rin had to wonder if Lord Sesshoumaru had been able to guess that she would hit a growth spurt that summer. It seemed like she had to hold the hem lower every day.

She mentioned this to Jaken when they visited again that autumn. Jaken seemed to be torn between berating her for supposing that Lord Sesshoumaru would take the time to understand anything about humans or berating her for supposing that Lord Sesshoumaru did not know everything. So then she had asked Lord Sesshoumaru himself that evening when he joined her as she gathered herbs.

He had not replied instantly, but she had not expected him to. "It seems that many humans grow quickly at this age," he had finally said.

Rin pondered over this as she set more plants in her basket, before nodding. "Yes, many of the girls in the village seem to have grown a lot this summer as well. I hope it doesn't take much longer for me, though."

Lord Sesshoumaru raised a brow slightly at this, so she continued. "Well, I'm always hungry, and I'm always dropping things or tripping. I probably spend half the time falling on the ground," she laughed. "I think I'd prefer to be short in order to be done sooner."

"You will be an adult soon enough, Rin. Do not wish the time away faster."

After that, she had remained silent, realizing how insensitive her words could have been. While she would not guess at what Lord Sesshoumaru felt for her, she knew that she was at least special to him. She was just now beginning to understand how the flow of time differed between them and to comprehend just how short her existence would be within the years of his memory. It was clear that he too had thought of such things, and that his conclusions displeased him. She promised herself that she would make sure not to mention the passing of time before him again.

And so even though it slid past her, Rin did not remark on time or change or growth. When he visited, she asked him about himself: how did things go at the palace? where had he gone? what obnoxious things had Jaken done? She was secretly surprised – and pleased – to find that he replied to her queries with greater frequency over the next few years, although she could not account for what had caused this change.

It wasn't until she was fifteen that a new kimono was required. Even with what had seemed to be a ridiculous amount of length, she had still managed to outgrow the green one. She had realized this herself, but was afraid to mention it to Lord Sesshoumaru; she neither wanted to bring more attention to her growth, nor wanted to be as tactless as to ask for something she knew was so costly. She had almost gone to Kaede to see if she had saved enough for some inexpensive material, planning to make her own, when Lord Sesshoumaru had again arrived carrying a narrow wooden box.

Kaede was out at the moment, helping care for a sick child at the edge of the village, so they had remained in the modest hut. Lord Sesshoumaru had casually given her the box as they entered, and Rin sat with it lying across her lap.

"You may open it now, if you wish."

After glancing up at him for a moment, Rin opened the lid. This kimono was a sunny yellow, painted with blooming purple flowers. As she held it up, examining the pattern, she smiled. "They always seem to somehow be more beautiful than the last. And you brought this one at a perfect time; I almost asked Kaede to help me purchase fabric."

It took her a moment to realize that he was watching her. "If you require anything, you only need to ask."

It was disguised, hidden beneath a stoic expression and emotionless words, but Rin had known him long enough to catch just the touch of irritation in his eyes. "You already give me so much; I do not want to ask more of your generosity," she said quietly, carefully.

He was silent now, and Rin did not dare to look at him as she folded the kimono again and carefully shut it in the box. She had moved to rise, preparing to set the kimono out of the way, when Lord Sesshoumaru placed his hand on the lid.

When he did not speak, she filled the silence. "I am sorry if I have angered you, Lord Sesshoumaru," she whispered, fighting her own irritation at herself for allowing her words to fall carelessly.

"I am not angry," he replied. "I am frustrated because I do not understand."

She frowned at this, trying to think of what he could mean. When she finally admitted that she could come up with no explanation, she asked. "What don't you understand?"

There was a short pause now, and slowly Lord Sesshoumaru removed his hand. "Why you will not talk to me as you once did."

Rin could not reply, too shocked to think of anything fitting. She never would have guessed that this would be his answer.

"Your concern is appreciated," Lord Sesshoumaru continued, "but I do not come here to relate my activities. I come to see how you are, to hear what you have done, but you seem so careful now when you speak. I do not know why."

She continued to stare at the floor, fighting the tears that wished to fill her eyes. "I was afraid that I might say something that would be hurtful. I do not want to bring up anything that may be unpleasant for you."

For a moment there was only silence, until Rin felt a touch upon her head. Looking up under her bangs, she was still as Lord Sesshoumaru ran his fingers through her hair. "You do not need to think of such things. It is enough if you just speak."

Rin nodded, but hardly knew what she was agreeing to as she met his golden eyes. She suddenly was too preoccupied with trying to calm the heat that seemed to have fanned across her face.

Perhaps it was because of her weak attempts to distract her thoughts, but she was able to speak of anything and everything that afternoon. It was suddenly so easy to babble about all the trivialities of her life that she had managed to keep at bay over the past few years, although she did wonder if Lord Sesshoumaru was aware of her other motives for being so talkative.

When he had left, Rin had released a sigh that seemed to have been at the back of her throat through his whole visit. Without him near, she had finally been able to analyze her thoughts, consider the sudden and startling emotion that had apparently snuck into her heart without warning.

But without his presence, it was easy to deny that she believed herself to be in love with him in a way different from the adoring love she had felt since she was a child. It could have only been a reaction to her surprise, as Lord Sesshoumaru had so rarely breached the space between them before. Or it could have been the fact that she had finally rid herself of the heavy weight of silence. There were many ways to explain her reaction.

Yet it became more and more difficult to make herself believe these feeble logics every time he visited. There was no way to explain why her eyes so often lingered on him, noting his appearance in ways she never had before. And she could not find a reason for why his arrival and departure always seemed to cause a tightness in her chest. Suddenly his every visit was more cherished than the last, his attention toward her more precious, his gifts more treasured.

She felt the weight of all this press against her heart as the years slipped by until, one spring when he replaced the flowers that had been blown from her basket, she knew she could no longer suppress it. He had drawn back her sleeve from where the wind had turned it before setting the blossoms in the pile. In that moment as she watched him, Rin had to tighten her fingers into a fist to prevent them from reaching out to touch his face, hold her breath to keep from saying words she knew she would regret. And it was then that she could no longer find the will or desire to deny her feelings for him.

She had been able to put on an act for herself, so it was not hard to put on an act for Lord Sesshoumaru as well. His visits were now bittersweet occasions, filled with the wish that he would see _her_, see past her charade, and the fear that he would be able to do so. She maintained her mannerisms, her smiles, her happiness for him, although she knew they could never be completely genuine.

But somehow time made it easier, tempered some of the pain. It made her feel much older than her nineteen years to have come to such conclusions about romance and love as she had. At times she almost had to laugh as she listened to the other village girls speak of their sweethearts, and their overflowing love, and how the sun seemed brighter and the flowers more beautiful. They did not understand the truth behind love, the pain and the ache that could accompany it as well. And yet she envied them, because they were able to at least share their feelings with the one for whom they cared.

It was an early summer evening as Rin thought this, standing at the door and listening to the sounds of the festivities further into town. Lord Sesshoumaru had visited that day, and so once again the thoughts and feelings that she managed to control most of the time had become restless. She was so wrapped in her thoughts that it took a moment before she noticed that fires were soaring from the buildings at the edge of town. When the sound of screaming drifted on the breeze, Rin felt a chill flow through her veins, distant memories of her childhood bleeding in her vision.

The homes near her were silent, but she could not tell if this was because their occupants were at the festival or were sleeping. Somehow overcoming the terror that had attempted to grip her heart, she managed to run from the hut to the nearest one, trying to see if there were any people who could flee to the forest for safety.

She found a family in the first hut, a mother with her baby in the second. She had just found the third to be empty, darting from the door, when the thunder of hooves had roared around the corner, freezing her.

They were too close to miss her, and she had stepped too far out of the shadows to hope to move back into them. It was not surprising when two of the men rode toward her, blocking off the alleys to either side.

Rin stood there, thinking frantically as they considered her. She tried to block out the crackle of fire as torches were thrown into other huts, or the sounds of people running. When the men dismounted and began to speak, she tried to block that out, too, until they mentioned her kimono.

"That is silk finer than many lords wear," one commented as he stepped closer. "It would bring a high price if we sold it."

"Probably should remove it before killing her, then," the other said, laughing.

At this, Rin's anger suddenly eclipsed her fear. Lord Sesshoumaru had given her that kimono, had bought it for her. She would not allow them to profit from that gesture; if they were going to kill her, then they would at least not have the satisfaction of earning anything from it.

The small knife she used to cut plants was tucked into her obi, and she slid it out as the man laughed. Just as he moved toward her, she ran forward and pressed the knife into his shoulder, unprotected by armor. For a moment he staggered back, yelling as she tried to dodge by him. She had almost made it when his sword pierced through the fabric of her sleeve, throwing off her balance.

Her arm twisted as she attempted to brace herself against the fall. Biting back a scream, she tried to turn over so that she could pull her sleeve free, but had to close her eyes against the light that suddenly blazed through the darkness.

It had hardly abated when there was a flash of green against her eyelids. The cutoff scream immediately before her made her open her eyes again, and she felt her over-tensed muscle all relax at once, the adrenaline draining from her veins.

"Rin."

She did not care that she immediately burst into tears when Lord Sesshoumaru said her name, that she was acting like a young child in front of him. And it did not seem as though he cared, either, as he knelt by her side and brushed her hair away from her face.

"Are you alright?" he asked as he helped her sit up. She tried to respond, but she was too exhausted from her fear to do anything but nod. Regardless of this, his expression remained stern and unconvinced, and he suddenly scooped her up against his chest and rose.

Rin wished she could object, tell him that he did not need to do something as undignified as carry her. But with her head resting against his shoulder, the warmth and security of his arms around her, she remained silent and let the peace of knowing she was safe replace the coldness that had lingered in her heart.

At some point she must have fallen asleep, for she had awoken on a futon in a room much different from her own wearing a plain blue kimono. When she had looked around, trying to remember how she had gotten there, she noticed the shadow painted on the screen to her left. Rising carefully – she found that the arm she had landed on the night before was now stiffly bandaged – Rin made her way to the screen and opened it.

Lord Sesshoumaru stood there, watery morning light making his white hair flash with silver. He watched her progress as she came to his side. "How do you feel?"

She looked down, gently touching the wrapped arm. "A little tired," she admitted.

"Then you should rest more."

For a moment she toyed with the edge of the bandage, biting the inside of her lip. "I need to know first," she said finally, daring to ask the questions that remained in the foreground of her consciousness. "How are the villagers? And where are we?"

"Most were able to escape; the other side of the village was protected." Rin supposed this was due to Inuyasha, but knew that Lord Sesshoumaru would not say as much. "The wounded are being attended to. I would not tolerate the wait before you could be seen, so I brought you to the manor of one of the nobles who serves me. I have often stayed here on my way to visit you; it is not far from Edo."

Rin wished that she could ask the last question poised at the tip of her tongue – how had he known? He had always been there when she needed him, but she had not even considered receiving his aid that night.

But she found that she could not press the matter, so silence drifted between them. As tiredness again crept into her body, she finally mentioned the matter of her kimono. "I am sorry that it was ruined."

"It is unimportant," he replied. "It was time for you to receive a new one."

She was about to argue that he truly did not need to do such things, but did not dare to challenge the finality in the glance he sent her. So she had returned to her futon and rested off and on for the remainder of the day, spending her waking hours in Lord Sesshoumaru's company. While she would have wished the circumstances to have been different, it was pleasant to be able to see him again.

He seemed less guarded that day, his expression and words less distant than usual. Rin tried to take advantage of this, asking things she might not have normally questioned him about. And with each answer she received, she became bolder.

"My lord, have you ever loved someone?"

The drawn silence after this question made Rin wonder if she had finally crossed the line so many of her previous ones had danced upon. She was careful not to meet his eyes, wary of any censure.

"There are many ways that question could be approached," he eventually said, a response but not an answer. Rin let the issue fall, figuring that she should be pleased with the fact that he had not been irritated by her inquiry.

So the conversation had moved to lighter topics until that evening, when a short rap on the screen had called Lord Sesshoumaru's attention. He had left the room for a moment before returning, a folded kimono in his arms that he presented to her as soon as she sat up.

"There was little work that remained to be done, so the seamstresses were able to finish today," he explained as she ran the material through her hands.

The colors were richer, more vibrant, than any of her previous kimonos. The intricate pattern was dyed across most of the fabric, fanning over the sleeves that were longer than those in the past. She had always thought the kimonos he brought her were beautiful, too stunning for a simple girl living with the village's priestess, but this one made all the others she had owned seem plain. How she would manage to wear something so gorgeous everyday was beyond comprehension.

"Lord Sesshoumaru, this is too much…" she finally said, running the backs of her fingers along the trailing feathers of a crane before looking up at him. "I do not deserve this."

Somehow she managed to hold his steady gaze as he considered her, but it was not until he looked away that she was able to breathe properly again. "Is it not to your liking?"

"Oh no, it's magnificent," she quickly assured him. "I have never seen any kimono as beautiful as this one."

"Then take it and enjoy it."

So Rin had not argued further, and had changed into the kimono that evening when Lord Sesshoumaru had gone to announce his departure to the manor's lord. She had just shut the screen to the room behind her when he appeared, crossing the courtyard.

She stepped down into the grass and waited for him, folding her hands self-consciously as he approached. It did not help when he finally stood before her and considered her silently, expression too shadowed in dusk to read. Subjects to mention came to her mind before all fleeing, leaving her with no escape from the full weight of his attention.

The time that passed was impossible to guess, but it seemed to stop completely when he reached out, fingers softly following the pattern printed at her shoulder. For a moment, as he reached the collar, she felt the touch of his hand against her throat.

"I have loved no one," he said quietly, and Rin was somehow able to raise her eyes to his. "But for you I have felt more than for any other."

Without knowing what to say, she had nonetheless opened her mouth to speak, but Lord Sesshoumaru had already turned, his hand again at his side. "It is time for you to return to Edo."

Nodding, although she knew he would not see, she had followed him silently during their journey, her thoughts too tangled, too surprised, to straighten into anything coherent. It had taken two hours to reach the outskirts of the village, a thin fog of smoke still lying in the valley from the night before.

Rin had looked up at him, but still could think of no words that were fitting to follow the last he had spoken. Time now seemed to slip by too fast, not allowing her to think of the things she knew she should say. So she had been left with unknown words pressing against her lips, unable to speak until he said his farewell.

In the weeks that followed, her days were occupied with helping rebuild the village. She gathered reeds to patch roofs and made balms for those who had been burned in the fires. There was something to do during every waking moment, providing a blessed silence from her thoughts. But she knew that every night when she lay down on her futon, they would return.

Try as she might, it was impossible for Rin to extinguish the frail hope that had budded in her heart. If he had been no more than one of the men in the village, Lord Sesshoumaru's response would have been crushing. But he was not a simple human, a creature whose emotions were easily expressed and related. His thoughts and feelings were his own to keep, unshared on any occasion she could recall. He had never spoken of his regard for her before, and to suddenly hear such things, to know the esteem in which she was held, overwhelmed all her reasoning.

Yet it was difficult to carry this new hope, for he had said that he had loved no one, and she had to remember that such included herself. At times it was hard to decide if it was better when she had no certainty of his feelings, as it had at least come without the absolute knowledge that he did not care for her as she did for him.

As summer drew to a close, the village had largely returned to life as it had been before. Wounds were healed, homes repaired, and quiet again drifted on the warm air. Rin sat in the grass outside, tying the herbs and plants that had been gathered for use in the winter.

It was easy to hear the footsteps through the grass in the stillness, and she looked up, expecting Kaede to have returned from the delivery she had been called to that morning. She did not think she would find Lord Sesshoumaru standing before her.

Pushing away her surprise, she prepared to rise, but he held out his hand. It was then that she noticed that in his other arm he carried a box, much larger but otherwise similar to those in which he had brought her previous kimonos.

She remained silent as he sat in front of her, placing the box in the space between them. For a moment he watched her, and as she considered his expression, she could not help but feel that there was something hesitant about him, almost uncomfortable. But those were things she had never seen in him before, and it was hard to imagine that her observations were correct.

Finally, she broke the silence, both to relieve the odd tension in the air and to brush away her strange thoughts. "I had not expected you to visit again until the fall," she said softly, carefully trying to find some easy topic to discuss. "Yet I am glad to see you again so soon."

"I had not planned to return now, but I found that I could not wait." Here he paused, folding his arms within his sleeves, and she waited patiently until he spoke again. "This is my final kimono for you."

Rin tried to understand this, his reasons and the suddenness, but could not. Was he leaving? Did the expense of doing such a thing now seem too great? Had he finally grown tired of visiting her?

Her thoughts were interrupted when he spoke again. "This one is different than the others, so perhaps you will not wish to use it." She watched him, hoping to catch some clue to his meaning, but he did not meet her eyes. Instead, he abruptly rose. "I will return in a week. If you accept it, then wear it at that time."

And then he was gone, disappearing as suddenly as he had come. Rin stared into the shadows of the forest where he had gone, almost wondering if his appearance was a strange effect of the heat and the herbs but for the box still in the grass.

She stared at the wood for a moment before pulling the box closer and carefully opening it. Slowly, she set the lid next to her and reached for the white silk, telling the sudden racing of her heart to slow, her breathing to become even. It took a moment before she was able to steady her hands to lift the kimono from the box, and another moment before she was calm enough to replace it so that she could allow the tears to fall from her eyes.

Beneath the white kimono had been a white uchikake. These were indeed unlike the kimonos he had given her in the past, for they were not for use every day. These were for a wedding.

Finally the tears had all fallen, and as she wiped away the last from her cheeks, Rin laughed. She laughed as she touched the silk again, and replaced the lid, and carried the box back into the hut. And although she tried to be demure and dignified when Kaede returned, she had laughed as she showed her final present.

When the older woman's shock wore off, she had been unable to withhold her blessing in the face of such boundless joy, regardless of her reservations of such a match. So in the next week, Rin had set her affairs in order, trying to ensure that Kaede would be cared for now that she would be alone again and saying goodbyes to those she had known in the village.

Kaede helped her when it was time to put on the kimono and uchikake, smoothing wrinkles and lining seams in silence. And when all was ready, she had squeezed Rin's hands and wished her happiness before helping her outside.

Lord Sesshoumaru was already there, a pale shadow just outside the light of the village. Rin smiled when he approached, hardly noticing when Kaede released her hand so that he could take it before returned to her hut.

His expression was softer than any other occasion she could remember as he looked down at her. "You wore it," he said quietly.

Rin laughed, feeling as though it was the only way to keep the happiness from overwhelming her. "Did you have any doubts?"

"Where you are concerned, it seemed that all I have are doubts," he admitted. "My choices regarding you have all come with reservations. I am not used to being so uncertain."

She looked at him under her bangs, unconsciously holding his hand tighter. "Then are you unsure of this?"

"No," he replied instantly. "This is the one thing I have been sure of since the moment I decided."

Even without his words, the sincerity in his eyes was enough to calm the sudden fear that had pressed against her heart. Slowly, Rin dared to reach a hand out to his face, hesitantly laying it against the cool skin of his cheek before smiling.

"Thank you for the kimono," she whispered, turning her head up toward his as he leaned down to kiss her.

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Aaah, I'm so proud of myself for making a story that was that short and only from one POV! It was very painful and difficult, but I definitely think that it was good to make myself try something different. Leaning experiences good.

Also, I decided to illustrate all of Rin's kimono... so if anybody is interested, it (without the spaces) is at: http: / /frotu.deviantart. com/art/Kimono-95093387

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